Ruth's journey
by HR always live on
Summary: Ruth relives important events involving her relationship with Harry- with a twist attached to the end.


Trust. Fear. Betrayal. Anger. Love. Sacrifice. Ruth had felt all of them towards Harry at one point or another within the nine years or so that she'd known him. She implicitly trusted him with the best interests of the country at his heart. She always had and knew that no matter what the inquiry found out, that would never change.

Fear. She had never felt anything like it when Harry was walking out of Thames House to meet Lucas and almost certain death. She didn't have fear for herself but only those she cared about. A fear like that was indescribable. And she hadn't thought it was possible to feel terror like that, especially for someone she wasn't in a relationship with. It was a feeling she never wanted to relive.

Betrayal. The moment she told Harry that Lucas was in trouble, she thought he would believe her. He always had believed her in the past and it hurt her deeply that the one time it mattered most, he chose to believe his best field agent rather than her. It had taken her time to get past that, but she knew that he had been trying to look after everyone of his team, not just her.

Anger. He frequently frustrated her, which she had to admit was part of his charm. When they disagreed which happened often they both had a tendency to get angry but it usually burnt out quite quickly even in the worst cases because of the fondness they held for each other.

Love. Always. She always had loved him and she knew she always would. No matter what he had done in the past, or what happened now. Her heart would always belong to him and no time or distance could ever change that.

Sacrifice. They had both sacrificed so much for the other. Ruth gave three years of her freedom to keep Harry out of prison. And he, in turn had given away a state secret to keep her alive which resulted in his career looking particularly shaky. Sacrifice seemed to be what they did best for each other. No matter how much she wanted to break the cycle.

Grief. The moment he stood in front of her when a bullet was racing towards her. The moment he had given his life away to keep her safe. To make sure she lived to see another day. And she could never forgive him for that. She hated him for making her have to live without him. Part of her would have preferred to die, because it would have eliminated the need for her to get up everyday and act like everything was normal. People expected her to grieve for a while. Weeks, months even. But not years. That they couldn't accept.

Closing her eyes she relived Harry's last minutes on earth, the last seconds she had been lucky enough to spend with him. As soon as the assassin fired the bullet he was shot dead by special forces. Ruth looked at Harry as he collapsed onto the floor.

"No, no," she murmured falling next to him and cradling his head in her arms. His eyes were focusing on her.

"You're not hurt?" he asked with effort.

"No," Ruth said firmly. She looked down and saw blood on his chest so thick it almost looked black. "You can't do this," she said. "Please don't." Her fingertips were stroking his face lovingly, hating that it had taken this to touch his skin.

"Ruth…" he said as she saw the pain on his face. He was clearly in agony. "I'm not afraid to die."

"Don't you dare," Ruth interrupted him. "Don't you dare say goodbye to me. I won't allow it."

"Let me finish," he said in a weak voice. "I'm not scared of dying. But I am terrified of dying without telling you how I feel."

"I know," Ruth said stroking his hair. "You don't have to tell me, I already know."

"Ruth, come here," he said with the last remaining shred of energy. She leant closer to him and kissed his lips softly. He felt so cold and that terrified her.

"No…" she whispered as his eyes closed. She moved her hand to his pulse and could tell that he was gone. Reluctantly she moved away from him, not wanting to touch him when he would never be brought back to life. Ruth turned away because she couldn't face the dead body that used to be Harry. She had his blood all over her and felt sick.

Ruth closed her eyes to try and make that memory fade. When she opened them again she was back in the present and looking at Harry's gravestone which she visited more often than was probably healthy. It had been five years to the day since his death and it never got any easier to believe that she wouldn't see him again. She managed to bring herself out of her thoughts long enough to say what had been on her mind all day.

"I miss you," she said with her fingertips touching the cool stone. "Oh God, you have no idea how much I miss you." She stayed standing there for so long that the sun had set and the stars began twinkling before she moved and went home. But she knew in her heart that she wouldn't feel at home again, until she joined Harry again. Once and for all.

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